A very Merry Christmas Special

Sumisha says (2:11 AM): heyyy

aaron says (2:12 AM): yyo whut up my nigga, g-dogg, homie.

Sumisha says (2:12 AM): hahahahahahayou ding donggg

aaron says (2:13 AM): you be trippin' dawg. im'a straight up gangsta.

Sumisha says (2:14 AM): lol are you high

aaron says (2:15 AM): heey man a bit uh' green never hurt nobody. and anuthuh' thing. i can--*snort*-- mann thash' good stuff --I can stop whenEVER i wannto.

aaron says (2:16 AM): it ain't got no hold over me ...i'm.. me.. i'm gangsta, homie.

aaron says (2:16 AM): hahahah and no, the answer is no, i'm not high. sorry if it creeped you out a bit.

Sumisha says (2:17 AM): hahahaha thought someonee had a bit too much..ahahaha

aaron says (2:19 AM): a bit too much what, candy cane? i've never cared to experiment, but i have serious doubts that even greatly excessive consumption of holiday candy can intoxicate a person to the extent that he begins to spout ghettospeak. there. lucid enough for you?

Sumisha says (2:21 AM): hahahahahawell u shld try..=)

Singapore

They're like our little brother down south.
- Anonymous


Aaron : (grinning widely) Think about what you just said. Think very anatomically about what you just said.


What? -pause- Ohh my goo-- (giggles like schoolgirl) man,what is wrong with you? huh?? you're sick lah!
- Anonymous


This post is based on a true story. All characters depicted are real. "Anonymous" will remain anonymous, in order to preserve his/her identity, and, more importantly, Aaron's life. Aaron has grown quite attached to his life, and is not ready to let go of it just yet.

For the Fatherland!

This is my reply to Daniel's constant whining about his community(or as he calls it, "Communist") service. Enjoy:

Oh my Mao!

(I is proud Communist; no believe in fake, capitalist lie of "God". Is all big capitalist dog fib -- to corrupt comrade's pure white socialist mind. I ask you, what is "God" opposite-way? DOG! ha! Capitalist DOG! Is one big black Capitalist dog secret conspiracy. I no tell lie, i swear by Mao.)

You dare make incessant grumble for to servicing community?? Is HONOR to sweat, to bleed, for sake of Glorious Independant Happy Socialist Republic of the People. Hard labor good--good for to liberate comrade's brain from corrupt capitalist fibs! I make example... Sugar--Is evil capitalist lie!!! You think, "what harm to me use sugar in standard issue Freedom Tea"?? Many harm!!! Sugar is powerful capitalist happy drug, make you feel many phony joy, but in process, smash brain with big sweet hammer. You start to think many counter-revolutionary thoughts; think there maybe do exist capitalist "God". MANY harm. That is why Comrade Dear Leader Mao be make selfless act, drink his Earl Grey tea with five lump sugar every morning. For YOUR sake, he apply his superior mental and digestive ability to liberate rest of dirty capitalist world..
One packet Earl Grey, five lump sugar at a time.

Literature : better than sex. As far as i know

Puppies, kittens, and winter sunbright.

It was a bright, cheerless, December morning. Languid winter sunlight blazed coldly through the leafless branches. Richard trudged quickly through the watery blanket of dirty grey slush that lay on the ground, trudged bitterly towards his job at the ice-cream factory.

By some unhappy, wet, crunchy, chance, Richard stepped on a kitten.

There was a small, unhappy, wet, crunchy, squeak as Richard's heavy boot instantly and rather impolitely removed a dimension from the kitten's originally three dimensional existence.

The dimension in question had just finished moving in properly, it had finally gotten used to all the whiskers and the licking and the peeing in the sand. It was peeved, to say the least; at being evicted at such short notice, and so, made its displeasure known by very rudely smearing the offending boot with an unpleasant mess of it's previous owner's bladder, partially-digested catfood, and various other (thankfully unidentifiable) soggy, fleshy, bits.

The kitten, regrettably, was unavailable for comment at the time.

Richard, however, gave us a vivid, if slightly inaccurate account of events :
"ARRGGGHHHHsonofabitch-geddidoff-geddidoff-GEDDIDOFF!"

which, translated into a less offensive form, would read

"ARRGGGHHHHpuppy-geddidoff-geddidoff-GEDDIDOFF!"

Which brings me to the point of this bloody(hehh.geddit?blood -- erh.. nevermind) depressing post :
I would invite you all to gaze with me into the dissolving shadows of ages Past... and marvel, marvel at the glorious stupidity of that first individual whose bright idea it was to invent that
soul-crushing remark.

"That's right, you heard me, you puppy"

Life is short. Bully it mercilessly. Make it cry

Carpe Diem! Carpe Diem!

As every motivational speaker/book/cassete will earnestly whine at you, "Seize the Day". Excuse me while I snicker derisively.

*ahem*

Yes, right, all done.

Has anyone ever questioned, though, how the Days feel about all this aggressive groping?

If you are a Day, and have been a victim of unwanted sexual advances, or know a friend, family member, or co-worker who has, call this toll-free hotline : 1200-SAVE-THE-DAY.
Do it today!


Coincidentally, i've never liked corporate motivational speakers.

Carpe diem, indeed.

I've been reading my dad's Robb Report magazines. It's mostly ads peddling obscenely expensive cars, cigars, and designer clothing to the (obscenely) wealthy. It's very funny. This is the gist of most of their ads :


Hello, Sir. Yes, *vapid smile* we believe you are a man of ..taste, and discernment, and we hope you will consent to put aside these two most praiseworthy virtues for long enough to purchase one of our dress shirts.You like this one, do you, sir? Yes, it costs enough to cripple the economy of a small third world country; excellent choice, sir. You'll take it? *vapid smile* Why, thank you, sir. Still keeping that sense of discernment in check? Good, now if you will be so good as to follow me, sir, we shall proceed to the diamond studded toiletbowls -- bling bowls, as we in the 'hood call them. It's the shit, sir. A gentleman such as yourself simply must get himself iced up, don't you agree?


Okay, i made up that last part haha. Seriously though, there was an ad for Swarovski shower hubs. Nutters.

Life.

Caution! Cliche post ahead. Proceed at your own risk.



Life... is like a box of chocolates. Never quite as full as you would like it to be, and always seeming to vanish faster than should be legally permitted by the laws of physics.

My advice to you is, keep box in cool, dry place, take smaller bites, chew slowly, and enjoy the nutty bits.

They don't legally wed. They really are bastards. In every sense of the word.

Vampire Bugs

An entire species devoted to the annoyance of humankind.They seem created for that expressed purpose alone.The small high pitched whine they make in your ear, the itchy welts, the malaria.. One has to question, what is their purpose in the great scheme of things? The one benefit they bestow upon us is that they are fun, and easy, to kill, and occasionally make pretty scarlet blotches when they expire. Fun for the whole family. I propose therefore, that we capitalise on this. We must begin in earnest the production of miniature, mosquito-sized cigarettes. We must convince their larvae that smoking is Cool, and that all the cool larvae are smoking, and that there is, in fact, no conclusive evidence that smoking six packs a day for eight years will indeed cause their dear little larvae lungs to harden into pencil lead and snap off. Little blood-sucking bastards.

I'm going to try to go to sleep again.

Service your Nation..please?

Good evening! We're here on the scene, outside the house of Citizen Aaron Sim,who has just been informed of his unbelievable good fortune of being one of the randomly-hand-picked few selected to semi-voluntarily invest three months of their valuable youth in glorious Service of our fair Nation. Yes, the SWAT riot tanks appear to be leaving the grounds..They're wheeling the iron maiden out back...it appears to be unused! Folks, i think we've got ourselves a live one! I won't be surprised if we do, our new thumbscrews have increased our success rate by over two hundred percent.*listens intently to earpiece* Yes, i have recieved confirmation that Citizen Sim has joyously accepted our Nation's gracious offer of Service! Doubtless he will be escorted outside to meet us for the customary hour of Spontaneous Demonstration of Fierce Patriotic Joy...And here he comes! Greetings, Citizen! Say a few patriotic words to our viewers at home. Oh, ignore the shotgun. A mere formality. In case we should happen to run into complications with your interview.

Flowers

Why flowers? We bring them to weddings, funerals; and just occasionally, we're able to screw up the courage to give them to that significant other. Why, though? They're pretty, but it's kind of...very weird if you really think about it. Every year, on Valentine's Day, florists around the world do a roaring trade in dismembered plant genitalia. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy gives girl flowers :

Boy : I.. er. I really like you.
Girl : *Blushes*
Boy : *shuffles feet*Um.. here. Have some severed plant genitals. They made me think of you.
Girl : Thank you...*Smiles demurely* They smell nice..

Yep, nothing quite like a large bouquet of genitals to make a girl feel special. Sad luck on the flowers' part for having such colourful sex organs, I suppose. Those florists are a sick, twisted lot.

Hello, Blogspot. Hello, all. Welcome to the inside of my head. Well, at least the sections I deem worthy of public exhibition :) I won't be using this blog as diary (I wouldn't call it that anyway, I prefer the term Journal,cause it sounds... smarter. heh. also, I associate diaries with small, pinkish books fastened with small, useless padlocks, which belong to insecure teenage girls. As an insecure teenage boy, i feel this would be inappropriate. also, my daily life would probably bore you. I will write only if and when i dredge up something interesting while conducting routine chlorinating of the shallow pool that is my mind. enjoy :)